The Confusion

8/31/07

Sometimes the confusion is so loud it is deafening. This morning I woke up from a dream in which we had moved. I was searching for a school for my daughter to go to. I was walking through a small general store, where an overweight woman served sweet potato and marshmallow casserole. I asked her where the school was, but she had no helpful information for me. I managed to find a school, and as I walked through the hallways middle-school-aged children surrounded me. I came upon a room where there was a package waiting for me. I opened it and found that my aunt had sent me her hand-me-down pants and a couple of shirts for my daughter. I was a little bit upset by it because it seemed that she thought I was still very large. The pants had an extremely large buttocks area. I was happy to wake from this confusing and frustrating dream. Although I awoke to the sound of my alarm reminding me that my 10-minute snooze was up. It took me a moment to catch my breath because I had been sleeping sideways and on my side, to avoid the puddle of pee my daughter had marked earlier this morning.

The confusion comes from not knowing where to put my energy. It comes from having concerns for my children's well being above all other concerns. And mostly, it comes from a lot of self-doubt.